Manners in modern life

In any community, whether ancient or modern, good manners differentiate the civilized person from the barbarian. The outward forms of good manners are known as “convention” and these vary according to the traditions of different countries. Basically, “good manners” may be defined as “consideration for others.” Consideration for self is, unfortunately, more natural than consideration for others — such is human nature! Therefore, in every society, good manners are a matter of training; a child is made to follow the outward forms in the justifiable hope that the desire to be well-mannered may follow.

William of Wykeham, who founded Winchester College gave a motto to the School: “Manners make the Man”. At that time, “manners” meant “character,” and the motto is at least a pointer to the fact that the two are connected.

Man’s object, whether admitted or not, is to be a “gentleman.” To be a gentleman, according to Robert Surtees, means “never to talk about being a gentleman.” It also seems to mean behaving in a civilized way even when alone. “A gentleman is one who uses the butter knife when he eats alone and has to wash up.” But Michael Arlen perhaps said the last word: “A gentleman s a man who is never rude unintentionally.”

One criticism of the modern (i.e Western ) way of life is those good manners are fast disappearing, and the disappearance is lamented by reflective members of both sexes. There appear to be more reasons than one.

Firstly, manners assume certain social attitudes between the sexes in various world societies. In Chinese and Muslim societies, there are certain attitudes between man and woman based on “customs” which are in turn based partly on religion. The Chinese mainland custom of “self-denigration”, the role of the geisha in Japanese society, and a host of other national conventions are “good manners” within their respective spheres. In the Far East, the “West” has crudely broken into various systems. The working scope, the dress, the aspirations of the Eastern woman are in the process of radical change. How then can one define “good manners” in Singapore? At present, one cannot, but a new structure will emerge, combining the best of the old and new. In the Western World, the past 80 years of female emancipation have produced fundamental changes.

Until 1918 in Britain, women were voteless, without separate property rights in marriage, and forbidden to engage in paid occupations. By the same token, they received “gallant” treatment from the “protective” male sex — an idea based on the Christian teaching of chivalry — and were “shielded” as well as dominated; their bodies, minds, and spirits were “tender” ad a corresponding code of behavior between men and women sprang into existence. Today, men and women are equal in all but physique. Men expect them to behave as they do themselves, and a lack of courtesy in public transport, and indeed in all social intercourse, has resulted. There seem to be ample reasons for discarding “good manners” in modern life! Yet, a gentleman feels that there is something basically wrong here. He is happy, and rightly so, to pay a woman the old-world courtesies provided she behaves like a lady.

Secondly, the pace of modern life initiates against the observance of the good manners which belonged to the earlier, more spacious way of life. It is difficult, but not impossible, to behave in a civilized may both to men and women, in the shop, the office, the factory, and the home.

Thirdly, “good manners’ depend on respect for other individuals and their needs. This is more amoral than a social concept and finds its ultimate sanction in religion. In the past 50 years, the West has drifted away from Christianity. The practical result is personal selfishness, and today, few parents instill good manners into their children as a serious duty.

On the credit side, we may remark that the average man in the West is reacting against selfishness and materialism; inevitably the changes in class structure and inter-sex relationships will produce the requirement for new codes of behavior and these will emerge. they will certainly be new in detail and there will simply be no time for the old-fashioned outward observances. But essentially, the practice of good manners will remain what it always has been — a control of “self’ and the fruits of a genuine desire to foster the comfort, happiness, and well-being of other people.